


The Death Eaters try to Cook

by ash_wolfling



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, death eaters - Fandom
Genre: Death Eaters, I'm so sorry, Swearing, cooking duel, crackfic, it's basically shit okay, mentions of blood and stuff, nagini is a human in this, this is really old I'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 03:20:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6937612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ash_wolfling/pseuds/ash_wolfling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Death Eaters are challenged to cook. Who will win? Follow their adventure, a story filled with woe, romance and action.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Death Eaters try to Cook

Voldemort held the hair net gingerly. Lucius snatched it away and mumbled an awkward apology. Then he turned to Nagini, who was trying to pull apart one fork from another.

“Are you... sure about this, Nagini?” At the mention of her name, Severus looked up. Nagini gave up trying to pry them apart with her hands and picked up a can opener.

“Oh, yes. When I was at Severus’ house he showed me how to make ‘fondue’. It was good - almost as tasty as Fenrir’s raw -cucumber-and-muggle-meat smoothie that he gave me. And I thought that if both of them can make good food, then so should everyone else. Right?”

Voldemort sighed and turned to the cook book: Cooking for Dummies. He was about to make a remark about how cooking wasn’t really his area of expertise, but the stopped. If the death eaters knew about his inability to cook, he would hear no end to it.

“Fine.” He said, pouting. At that moment, Bellatrix burst in, panting slightly and holding a tattered much used book in hand(Cooking for Psychopaths).

“Severus, I challenge you to a duel.” Severus turned around and faced her. His apron said ‘Kiss the cook’. Nagini took this as an opportunity to, for once, pay attention to signs and smooch him- just like Fenrir told her to- while he blushed uncontrollably and tried to push her off, without success. 

“You what?” He asked, after giving up and letting Nagini wrap herself around his legs.

“You heard me. A duel - of cooking.” She said, slamming down yet another book. Severus inspected it closely.

“Terrifying cakes? Bellatrix, you know I was planning on making foies - no Nagini don’t squeeze that - gras, veal parmesan, with a lobster and-dammit Nagini I said no. wild prawn medley and a side dish of Chateaubriand- GOD FUCKING DAMMIT NAGINI NOT HERE!!!- and some red eau de pomegranate wine. And for dessert, I was going to make-” He gave up as he tumbled to the floor with Nagini. By now, everyone’s eyes were on them. He stood up and firmly held Nagini at an arms length. His tone was serious, but his face was slowly turning bright red.

“Oh, look, Severus! Your face is bright red, just like a freshly murdered muggle! It’s sooooo cute!” She exclaimed, attempting to pinch his cheek. He sighed.

“My point is, I’m not exactly into baking sweets or...” His voice trailed off as he remembered that he was only a half blood and needed a way to redeem himself.  
“I accept your challenge. Now, give me the damn book.” 

Bellatrix handed it to him and he sat down on the couch. (Yes there is a couch in the kitchen. Shut up.) As he began flipping through, Nagini lay down and began excitedly pointing out which ones he should make.

Meanwhile, wormtail sat in a corner away from the commotion and was reading a small paperback cookbook intently. It was all about sandwiches and was written for ages 6 - 10. Perfect. As of right now, he was reading one recipe apprehensively: BLTs. And although he quite enjoyed tomatoes, he wasn’t sure he could face a hot pan with nothing but a limp piece of meat. He turned the page, deciding to settle for peanut butter and jelly. Besides, he already had experience with knives, he thought, as he flexed his silver hand.

Bellatrix left the room, smirking. After Severus had taken so many opportunities to ridicule her during truth or dare, she had to find a way to get back at him. I mean, he’s just a half-blood, right? There’s no way he can cook... She stopped short. Could he? Naaaaw.

“Nagini, your head is in the way. In you could move a bit, that would be great.” Said Severus, tilting the book in an attempt to see the recipe better. Nagini sat up, now leaning against him.

“Which one are you going to make? I like this one: it looks like clotted blood with people trying to get out. It looks like what Fenrir gave me to eat.” Severus scrunched his eyebrows.

“I don’t know Nagini, it requires a lot of artificial food coloring, which can ruin the flavor.”

“Then why not use real blood? That’s what Bellatrix does.” Severus gulped and flipped the page.

“Here, look at this one! It DOESN’T have fake blood!” She exclaimed. It was true, but it was supposed to be covered in ectoplasm- he turned the page again.

Fenrir glanced at the people in the room. Baking? He prefered his food raw. Raw and bloody. Although, he didn’t want the Dark Lord to get mad at him for not putting in enough effort. Maybe I’ll add a sprig of rosemary, he thought. 

“So, what are the rules?” Lucius asked nervously, hoping that the hairnet incident had been forgotten. 

“Yeah, w-what are they?” Asked wormtail nervously. He realized that since he had already started, he might get punished. Oh well, as long as it wasn’t Bellatrix doing the torturing.

“Ummm.” Voldemort cleared his throat, unsure. He coughed a couple of times and continued. “The cooking contest. Yes. Umm... You have to cook something that... that...” He glanced around the room, looking for some kind of inspiration. A picture on the wall caught his eye: “ALWAYS be yourself, no matter WHAT!!”(this picture had been a gift to Nagini from Fenrir when Severus had told her that she was supposed to wear her bra on the inside of her shirt, not the outside.) “For this competition, you will cook a food that expresses who you really are on the inside!” He finished, slightly breathless. The death eaters looked at him as if he had gone mad. Then he added, “And no magic, either.” A round of groans emanated from the room from everyone except Fenrir and Nagini. (She still didn’t understand wands, but she had once swallowed Severus’ one whole. He had not appreciated it, and had proceeded to shove his hand down her throat to retrieve it.)

“Let the cooking tournament begin!” He shouted gleefully.

The death eaters fanned out, each of them going to his or her own cooking station. Nagini trailed behind Severus, after he had promised her that she could borrow his microwave. Severus glanced around at the kitchen, knowing that he had none of the right ingredients for cakes, especially gothic ones. He cleared his throat.

“Ah... Nagini? I’m going to have to go to the muggle store for the right colored frosting. Normally I would just change the color with a spell, but...” He had meant that HE would be going to the store, and quite alone, thank you. Nagini however had a different idea.

“Great! Now I’ll know what a muggle store looks like! Just wait for me to get my scissors and my-” She stumbled, apparently trying to put her shoes on(the wrong feet) while putting her coat on(over her legs). Severus winced as she fell into a squirming heap on the floor. He eyed her silently, partially in concern but mostly out of irritation.

“Nagini, you are staying here with Fenrir and Bellatrix.” The struggling heap stilled. 

“B-but Severus...! Friends stick together!” She whined in the little kid voice that she had copied from Lucius. Severus groaned. 

~~~~

Bellatrix, meanwhile, was having similar problems. She could cheat, she supposed, and use magic to change the colors. No! She would never disobey the Dark Lord! She would have to find someone to go to the muggle store for her. Her first thought was Severus, but she would not accept help from him in this. She racked her mind again, fuming; Wormtail would if she tortured him enough but that, too, would be showing weakness. She braced herself. This she had to do on her own.

~~~~

(At Fry’s)  
Joe Rodriguez stood by the entrance watching customers come and go. He did not want to be here, but since his dad had threatened to throw him out of the house unless he got a job, well, He didn’t have a choice. It was a nice relaxing job- no, wait. His boss was glaring at him from across the stoor. Time for him to actually work. Immediately he walked over to a random customer, and gulped. Why did he have to have chosen one of the weirdos? It was a- a woman- but unlike no one she had ever seen. Wild black hair created a shadowy halo around her face, and she was wearing a set of some sort of dark robes. She was grimacing. He gulped again.

“Hello ma'am. Is there any way I can help you?” He asked loudly. She turned and contemplated him for a moment, sneering.

“You? Help me? What would a muggle know of my problems?”She said, sneering and paused. “Actually... There is something someone a lowly as yourself can do.”

A few moments later, Joe found himself leading this eccentric woman towards the colored frosting. A few people stared and his face turned red. True, he himself was wondering why someone like her would want cake frosting, but he hadn’t dared to voice his question. Who knew what this- woman -might do with those nails. 

They arrived at the frosting section. By now he was quite sure that the dark splatter stains on her dress were from the blood of her many victims, which he had no doubt that she had. Right now she was inspecting a packet of red frosting with such scrutiny that he was beginning to fear that her eyes would bore holes into the plastic. He began to clear his throat when they heard a crash behind them. Somehow, he knew that his problems had just begun.

~~~~

Severus looked around in embarrassment. Nagini had found a cardboard cutout of a person, and well... She was still confused and was now slapping it. They- no, she- had created quite a mess. Fortunately none of the frosting tubes had been ruptured; he wasn’t sure how he would have even dealt with that. By now, anyone who had politely ignored them as best as they could were staring.

“Hey, Nagini? Yes.. ah... you do realize that isn’t quite alive, don’t you?” He asked, avoiding eye contact with the muggles. Sevini looked up, confused, when a smile spread slowly across her face.

“You mean I killeded it?” 

Severus wasn’t sure how to respond to this. He could correct her, which would lead to a full out argument about immobile objects, or simply allow her to believe herself a genius. He decided to go with the latter.

“Yes, yes, now can we proceed? We still have some things we need to get...” His words trailed off as he saw Bellatrix. His voice suddenly became more cold. “Ah, Bellatrix. Fancy seeing you here of all places.” There was clearly distinguishable disgust in his voice, especially at the word ‘here’. She sniffed.

“You as well, Severus. Then again, I suppose you really are in your element here.”

The wizard stiffened and for a few moments they simply stood there, amongst muggles and piles of frosting tubes, glaring at each other. Then Nagini saw her.

“Bellaaaaa!” She shrieked, throwing herself at her (in Nagini’s mind, this was affection). “Are you here to get muggle foods too?”

~~~~

Joe glanced nervously from the scary lady, to the middle ages man with too much hair, to the green girl in an inside out neon yellow pair of footy pajamas. Slowly, he backed away- maybe living on the streets wasn’t that bad- from the strange trio. He was almost far away enough from them to escape when he stepped on a tube of frosting. He slid, skidded and fell; a heap covered in green frosting in the middle of the isle. All eyes turned towards him now. His face burned with shame, but pale quickly as the green girl squealed.

“Severus, look! He got green slime out of a tube! Maybe he knows magic, too!” She said loudly as she rushed towards him. Hurriedly he scrambled, trying to get up, but it was too late: she was now next to him, jumping on the frosting scattered across the linoleum. Splatters of greens, pinks, purples, yellows and any other color frosting imaginable covered the floor, the shelves, the girl and, yes, Joe. He whimpered, looking imploringly at the dark haired man with too much hair. Only it didn’t seem as though there would be any help coming from him; he had one hand over his eyes and another was twirling a stick of wood in the air. Great, he thought. He’s a lunatic, too.

“Se-ve-rus! This tastes like sugar! I want this one! And this one! And this one!” She had now decided that it would be easier to squish them by rolling around on them instead of stomping on them, and appeared to be trying to create some demented snow angel made of toxic colors on the floor.

“Bellatrix! Look! I’m a RAINBOW!!!!” She was screaming in delight now, and the lady with the messy hair- he supposed that her name was Bellatrix, and the other one was Severus- but she was trying to pick out certain colors of frosting without getting any on her robes and blushing furiously. 

“I give up.” He whispered to himself. Then he proceeded to curl up into a ball on the floor and cry.

~~~~

Severus wasn’t doing much better. At this point he wasn’t even sure which spell to use; an oblivion spell would have worked just fine, only he didn’t know how he would clean up the mess without raising suspicion. Oh, why did he let Nagini come? 

“A rainbow, a rainbow, I look like a rainbow.”

“Fuck. Dammit. Nagini, move, I need that one. Don’t touch me!”

“But Bellatrix, you like the color red, don’t you?”

“That’s not red! That’s orange!”

He sighed. Right now, avada kedavra was looking pretty promising. He took one last look at Nagini, who was now tied into a barely recognizable knot in a puddle of frosting(I mean, how do you even get your arms to do that, anyway? And how can you breathe?) while licking at a pile of christmas sprinkles. Then he heard a high pitched scream as Nagini disentangled one hand to latch onto Bellatrix’s ankle. Bellatrix, for her part was trying to shake her off, and Nagini was puking floods of toxic, multicolored sludge onto the muggle, who was rocking back and forth and crying.

He looked away and began walking towards the exit. They could deal with their own problems.

“Severus! I beg you! Don’t leave me here!” Bellatrix reached long nailed hand reached out to try and pull herself out of the mess, but the result was quite the opposite. Severus screamed as he fell; why did this have to happen to him?

~~~~

By the time they got back, everyone else had made some progress. Wormtail had found a loaf of bread in the cupboard but hadn’t found any of the other ingredients. He had decided to make orange jelly himself and was near tears. Why did Fenrir think it needed muggle tendons for texture? He whimpered. Maybe if he added more sugar...

“AAAUGH!” 

He looked up at the yell and started. What entered the room appeared to have risen from hell- a hell made of sprinkles and rainbows. Severus, the only one who he could without doubt recognise, was blue, orange and fuming. Wormtail shrunk back into a corner, knowing that it would be for the best if he didn’t get involved. The second most recognisable was Bellatrix, although this was only due to her rainbow afro which might have been black at one point of time and her long sharp nails. And the third figure... Well, he didn’t even know what it was, much less who it was. It was tied in some sort of knot with one leg against her chest and another against her back with the knees tied together. It’s arms were another matter entirely, one latched onto Bellatrix’s ankle and the other one was being used to drag itself along the floor. They were quite terrifying, actually. 

“D-d-don’t-t y-you d-dare t-touch meee!” Shrieked Lucius as he scampered out of the room. Wormtail watched him and decided to follow. Unfortunately for him, Severus saw him. 

“You. Towels. NOW.”

Maybe leaving wasn’t an option.

~~~~

Fenrir, fortunately, was somewhere else. Unlike the wizards and witches, he enjoyed his meals quick and simple- and raw. As of right now, he was sitting in a muggle night club. Easy pickings, not to mention he liked his meat wine infused. Here, it wasn’t just infused- it was sodden. He watched as muggles passed by, completely oblivious to the fact that he was a MOTHERFUCKING WEREWOLF. The nerve of some people. No, not people. Dinner. The music pounded into his head, that awful popular muggle music. Something about a thrift shop. He was about to get up when a waitress appeared at his side. 

“Would you like something to drink?” She asked, smiling mischievously.

Why the hell not? Alcohol was good.

“Yeah, sure. Whiskey or vodka, whatever’s cheap.” Her smile faded a bit.

“Okay, coming right up.”

He watched her disappear into the crowd. She had a few tattoos on her shoulders, pawprints by the look of it. Nah. She was too skinny to eat. He lay back on the leather couch. Where was his vodka?

~~~~

Lucius was having a hard time. He had looked up recipes for Kellogg's diet oatmeal bars, but now he was having some serious doubts. The white-gray mush in the pink glass bowl didn’t look as appetizing as he had hoped. Maybe he could just spoonful it into the garbage... No luck. He stared at the wooden spoon which was sticking out of the mixture. He gave it a pull. No luck. He gave it another pull, this time harder.

The spoon moved a bit. With renewed courage, Lucius yanked on it. 

The spoon didn’t come out, the mixture did. Onto the floor, the table, the wizard. 

“Help!!!” He screamed, trying to get up. Only this was Lucius we were talking about, so of course he kept falling and falling. His hair was glued to the floor as well as his robes. And then he fainted.

~~~~

Voldemort was very disheartened. Now that Wormtail had stolen his idea for making a sandwich, he had to come up with something different but simple. Like... Fruit gushers! They were small and simple, right?  
So right now, he was at a pick-your-own-fruit-orchard. Apples, for starters. Only apparently he was here during rush hour, and the orchard was obscenely crowded. With muggles. Muggle children. Really, he quite stood out from everyone else. Noseless, bald and wearing flowing black robes. A little girl in a dress and brown braids walked up to him, holding an apple. Startled, Voldemort almost dropped his basket(which was wicker woven with colorful ribbons and rabbit stickers). They stared at each other, the little girl chewing a huge granny smith apple and a bald guy in black awkwardly holding an easter basket. She chewed. He gulped. For maybe eight minutes. After a while, she tilted her head and asked,

“Why do you not have a nose?”

He blinked. “I- ah- aah- IT’S NOT FAIR! HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE HAS A NOSE BUT NOT ME?! IT’S SO NOT FAIR! WAAAAAH!!!” He cried, sinking to the ground and sobbing. The little girl smiled.

“It’s okay. My dad doesn’t have arms. Can we be friends?” 

Voldemort looked up, tears rushing down his face.

“F-friends? Are... Are you sure?”

“Yeah! We can play dress up and color! And play with Barbies! Do you have any Barbies?”

He nodded, brightening. Finally, someone just like him.

“That would be fun! Do you like cooking?” She nodded happily.

“I help make pancakes with my mommy sometimes!”

“Yay, pancakes!” They both exclaimed joyfully. 

~~~~

“No.” Severus glared at Nagini. Nagini pouted at him.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I say so.”

“That’s not an excuse!”

At the moment, Severus was trying to convince her that she couldn’t use his microwave. For some reason. It didn’t make sense. On the way out of the store, Nagini had been getting things for her own food, Fenrir style: shoving things down her shirt and pants inconspicuously. No one had said anything, so she assumed that she had been stealthy enough. She tried a different approach.

“But I won’t use any of your stuff! Really! I have my own foods! I just need to cook them!” 

“NO.”

“Seeeeeveeeruuuus!”

“I. Said. No. Now go ask Wormtail, I’m sure he would love your help.”

“You ALWAYS say that.” Nagini glanced at Wormtail a few feet away, measuring precisely one teaspoon of jam. Hearing Severus’ suggestion, he whimpered and measured faster, which resulted in him spilling blueberry muck all over his already filthy shirt. Oh well, time for her last resort.

“B-but you P-PROMISED! You l-lying m-meany!” She cried, throwing herself onto him. This was very awkward, considering that all the cans and numerous packets were still in her clothes. Severus stiffened.

“Nagini, please. I don’t have time for this...” His voice trailed off as he saw her her streaked face. He sighed.

“Fine, but ONLY the microwave. Now, please get off of me, your miracle whip is leaking.” He said, pushing her off. Nagini beamed, not believing her luck. She could make Severus do anything she wanted. 

The first thing she did was unload her stealthily stolen edibles. The plastic jar of miracle whip was, indeed, cracked, but it made no difference; everyone would love it any way. The next thing she pulled out of her shirt was a packet of bologna and spam. A bottle of cheese whiz, the spray type(her favourite) and a can of cat food emerged from her pockets and a can of beets from her pants. Not only that, but she had found a way to conceal marshmallows, garlic, marmite, ramen, cat litter, a bottle of buttermilk and a bag of raw fish. Severus paled as each thing appeared and by the time she had pulled a huge pack of mint gum from her shoe he had turned to his own groceries. 

“Seeveeruuus! I need a bowl!” She sang, trying to open the spam with a spoon. 

“Over there.” He said, pointing to a cabinet by the stove. He was avoiding looking at the table; the clamato had now spilt on the table and was mixing with the prune juice. Nagini rushed to the cupboard and pulled out a large yellow bowl with flowers and vines. It was very, well, ugly. She loved it: it reminded her of Wormtail. She made a note to tell him later- wouldn’t he be proud of her?   
She was just about to dump in the rice krispies when she saw a most magical and mysterious device sitting on the counter. It sparkled slightly in the light, and had many buttons to push. She stared at it for about three minutes and turned to Severus, who was beating eggs. 

“Seeeeveeruuusssss?” She asked, her voice full of awe.

“Mmm?” He replied, not really looking up at her. Or maybe he was just avoiding the chunk of spam and marmite.

“W-what IS this?” She pointed slowly at it.

“Ugh. It’s a blender. And you said you would only use the microwave.”

This made no sense to Nagini. Anything that had buttons that when pressed magically transformed foods in mysterious ways were microwaves, right? She tried to explain this concept to her darling Severus, yet he didn’t agree with her. Maybe concept was simply too complex for him to comprehend. It was hard, being so much more intelligent than everyone else. Eventually, he gave up trying to be smart and granted her access to microwave #2.

“Seeeeveeeeruuuus?” She asked uneasily when she pressed the button and nothing happened. He didn’t respond.

“Seeeveeruuus darling?” 

Still no response. Nagini suddenly became very worried; what if he was dead? Convinced that he was dead(or was dying) she threw herself on top of him.

“Nagini, wha-” 

But Severus couldn’t talk, once she tried to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation. They squirmed around on the floor for a while, and finally he managed to throw her off. This little scene had been replayed many times before, and by now he was almost used to it. The thought scared him.

“Get. Off. Of. Me. NOW.”

“Nyeh.”

They glared at each other for a few moments. 

“Why won’t the microwave work?” She asked, pinning Severus to the floor. Blood and ashes, she was strong. He gasped for breath.

“You have to *gasp* plug it in, you *gasp* bloody *gasp* snake.” 

Finally, Nagini decided to remove herself and he staggered to his feet, swearing under his breath. What the hell had he agreed to?

~~~~

Fenrir’s eyesight was rather blurry. He had gotten the vodka that he had ordered, plus about fifteen shots afterwards. The waitress was very pretty. 

“Moooore voooodkaaaaa” He slurred at her. On second thought, he added, “and one for yourself. It’s on me and you deserve it. 

Six more shots and he had staggered outside, laughing. The ground suddenly seemed very funny. 

Two bottles of beer and he had made friends with a group of nice muggles with brightly colored hair who had magic mushrooms. 

Five mushrooms later, his hair was pretty colors, too, as were his brand new clothes.

Seven mushrooms later and he had learned that dresses fit him a lot better and so did fake eyelashes.

Ten mushrooms later and he was engaged to the pretty bartender with the pretty tattoos. Life was good. Right now they were sitting on the roof of a minivan and watching the stars bounce across the sky. 

“You guys are great.” He said, smiling. They murmured to each other in agreement. 

“I wish I wasn’t a werewolf. I wish that the world of magic and the world of muggles could all be friends. I wish...” He started crying. “This world is so unfair.”

~~~~  
Lucius stared, intimidated, into the large sliding glass doors of the super market. So many germs and dirt. Oh, and muggles. Two muggle children ran by him, one of them covered in ice cream and the other one drooling. He squeaked and jumped aside. This was a nightmare come true. No. He would not be defeated. He steeled himself as he pulled on his plastic yellow gloves and, for a moment, felt like quite the badass. Then an obese man in trousers and smelling of alcohol and fries shuffled beside him from behind and he nearly burst into tears. Why did this have to happen to him?

He was now standing in the isle with baking products; he had decided to make crumpets. Unfortunately, there was no diet baking soda. Whatever would he do? In the end, he chose a small one with a pretty girl on it. Then he had the same crisis with the flour, milk, eggs and butter. Really, he was quite relieved when he came to the jam isle and had the liberty of choosing from multiple kinds. He choose a jar that was a diet, low calorie, low sodium, low fat, low sugar strawberry jam and was relieved when he was able to at last approach the exit aisle and buy the food. Only, this was a problem.

There were four of them, all with the most disgusting muggles. The first had a teenage girl blowing huge bubbles with her gum, which kept sticking to her face. If he got any of that in his hair... No, aisle one was out of the question. The second one had a very old lady in it. This would have been fine, if she hadn’t been eating several bananas at once. Immediately he imagined those bananas touching his pure, perfect skin. He shuddered.

The third isle was out of the question entirely, since in it were the children from before- still as tiny, gross and slobbery as ever before. The fourth aisle seemed to be his best option, although that wasn’t saying much. In it was just a regular middle aged man who, at least, wasn’t dripping in anything sticky. He headed towards it, but someone cut in front of him: a very gross, smelly, sticky someone and their ignorant parents. 

“Noooooooooo!” He yelled.

~~~~

Bellatrix was having a spot of trouble. Well, more than a spot actually. The truth was that even the cakes had been her idea, she honestly didn’t know how to cook. At all. The ‘dough’ was crawling across the table and hissing at her when she had tried to touch it.

“How the hell does this even happen?!” She muttered angrily as she crossed her arms. As of right now, she was standing on the chair and glaring at the... thing... in the corner. If it had eyes, it would probably be glaring at her, too. Huffing, she reached for the book that she had bought. 

“What do you mean no house elf ears? And no pixie eyes?” She stared at the page in disbelief. “Eggs... Maybe not hippogriff eggs? Did they mean dragon eggs? or unicorn eggs? Do unicorns lay eggs? UUUUUUGH!”   
Frustrated, she threw it at the angry glob. The nauseatingly green lump crawled to where the book had landed and began- what was it doing? Bellatrix watched uneasily as it absorbed the book into itself, gaining body mass as well as a puss-yellow color with gray splotches. She was about to break the no-magic-rule by banishing it, when she paused, wand in mid air. Everyone would be there and, after all, she did have several people in mind whom she wanted to have revenge; Snape, for being a lowblood; Fenrir, for eating a muggle before she could torture it; and Wormtail... Well, Wormtail was just so easy so bully, and that was reason enough for her.

She cautiously stepped down from her chair, avoiding the trail of slime that her cake had left on the tiled floor. Maybe if she added enough cake frosting. Light knows, she had more then enough of THAT.

~~~~  
The day had come at last. The table was laid perfectly with enough room for Lucius, Bellatrix, Wormtail, Severus, Nagini and Voldemort. One by one, the contestants entered the room with their dishes; okay, not always dishes, exactly, Bellatrix’ was in a cage. The panel of judges seemed uncomfortable, to say the least. For one, there was Voldemort’s friend, Sally, who looked reeeeeally confused. There were also Fenrir’s mushroom friends(they were trying to speak to Lucius’ jam and flour lumps), Fenrir’s bride-to-be who was starting to wonder why she had gotten engaged to him, and a few muggles who were tied to chairs. This was because Voldemort had asked Bellatrix to bring some judges, and she had brought these up from the basement last moment. 

Now that the dishes were on the table, they were asked to stand behind the table and explain what they had made. All things considered, the judges needed explanations on some of them; others, well, any explanation would not suffice.

First was Lucius. He cleared his throat and swallowed his pride. 

“My, ummm, dish was, er, is crumpets filled with strawberry jam. Yes, these are crumpets.” He said, glaring at the judges as if they had said anything. They didn’t. They each stepped forward and tried one. From the look on Sally’s face, they were a bit... Sour. Bellatrix’s victims simply stared; no one seemed to notice that they couldn’t reach them.

Voldemort was next, but he didn’t have any thing. His lower lip started trembling.

“I was so busy playing Barbies that I forgot.” Thee last words came out in a rush. A tear trickled down his cheek. 

“Okay then, who is next?” 

Third was Fenrir. It took a few minutes to wake him up, seeing as he had curled up under the table and was batting at the table cloth happily.

“Ohhh, maaannn, yeeaaahhh. I made, uh...” He rummaged around in the pockets of his oversized jester coat. 

“Uhhh... Here! Yeee! Magic mushrooms!” He said, grinning, as he dumped a handful out on the plate. The judges looked at one another nervously. Well, it had to be better then Lucius’, right? After they had all had a few bites, The room became lots of pretty colors. Luckily, no one had eaten enough to have any long lasting effects. After about ten minutes everyone was seated and not so eager as they had been.

“Severus Snape, would you like to introduce your plate?”

Severus glared, then sighed. 

“My masterpiece is a gothic cake, made to resemble a... Castle of doom.” He ended his words by glaring at Bellatrix. She smiled back at him sweetly.

“Be warned, it contains frogs’ legs and sauerkraut, due to being in the same BLOODY KITCHEN AS THIS BLOODY SNAKE GIRL!” He glared at Nagini, who in turn smiled just as innocently. He took a deep breath.

“Please enjoy.”

All things considered, the cake didn’t fail as bad as some. It was a bit heavy on the frosting but otherwise it was relatively gothic. The judges were passed slices and almost everyone agreed that it would have been the best yet, if not for the random ingredients that Nagini had passed into it during different stages of cooking. Unfortunately for Fenrir’s fiance, her slice had a pocket of pickles and cream. She sniffled a bit. For some reason, Bellatrix’s guests weren’t voicing any concerns towards the food quality; indeed, they weren’t voicing anything at all. Were they even breathing?  
“Ooh! Ooh! My turn! My turn!” screamed Nagini loudly. She produced a large ceramic bowl from under the table. A groan emanated from the room as the sickening stench of the... stuff. It was bubbling here and there. One large, orange bubble the size of a tennis ball decided burst at that very moment; it then proceeded to splatter greenish blue gloop across the table. Even the tied up muggles squirmed in protest. Nagini beamed.

Bellatrix watched the scene unfold as the muggles on drugs stepped forwards. What was Fenrir thinking? No, she didn’t think he was even thinking. She sighed and looked away as a muggle with green hair put   
their hand in the slightly cracked bowl and yelped as it began swallowing their arm. She tried to focus on something else and her eyes fell on the cage in front of her. She winced; it would be her turn next. She just hoped that it wouldn’t eat anything else before then.

Nagini was indeed proud of herself. The microwave #2 had been an excellent discovery indeed, especially without the lid. Not only that, but she had been allowed to use several other microwaves, even though Severus insisted upon calling them by other names such as toaster, juicer, dehydrator and processor. Silly names for microwaves. At the moment, she was watching Fenrir’s friends try it. They seemed so happy! Only, Bellatrix’s friends seemed a bit lonely in the corner.

Standing up, Nagini walked over to them with a large bowl full of her magical concoction. Their eyes went wide and they began trying to run away. Seizing one by the rope around it’s neck, she shoved a spoonful into his mouth. It jerked a few times, turned green and then stood still. She was pleasantly surprised by this; what other colors would they turn? Nagini was eager to find out.

Severus was quite amused. Nagini seemed to be having quite some fun torturing- I mean, feeding- the muggles and watching them turn colors. At least Fenrir’s annoying fiance seemed very dead at this point. But now it was Bellatrix’s turn.

“I, too made a gothic cake. Although it wasn’t as successful as it could have been, it was still fun.” She said and, triumphantly, unlatched the cage door.

The next, say, about an hour or so was absolute chaos. Eventually, they all agreed that this once magic could be allowed to subdue it. At last, the cake had been reduced to a heap of smoldering ashes and they all stared at it. Wiping the sweat from his brow, Severus looked over at the remaining judges: Sally and two other muggles. Then he turned to look down on Wormtail, the last contestant.

Wormtail was, well, scared. To say the least. Least. He gulped.

“I m-made s-som-me s-sandwwiches o-out of p-peanut b-butter and j-j-jelly.” He stuttered nervously. All things considered, they weren’t bad. Simple, but at least they weren’t trying to attack anyone or were melting through the table. Wormtail smiled at the judges, but they were already leaving. His smile faded.

“Or... Not...”

He was all alone in the room.


End file.
